


Breaking Promises In Spite of Love

by VesselOfLucifer (FayTheGay)



Series: Once We Flew, Now We Run [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, I'm Sorry, Insanity, M/M, Sad Ending, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 01:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15718788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayTheGay/pseuds/VesselOfLucifer
Summary: It had been a year now and it still felt surreal. The hospital. The mortality.





	Breaking Promises In Spite of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: suicide reference and something that is technically a suicide attempt but also is sort of one.

The clock ticked on his wall as he considered everything around him. His body ached, mind protesting against the constant nagging of what was real and what wasn’t.

_I am an angel._

“Mr. Smith.”

“Sorry.” He blinked, stared at the doctor in front of him. “What were we talking about?”

“You were telling me about the devil.”

“Not the devil. His son. My nephew.” Frowning, he touched the scar on his wrist. It had been a year now and it still felt surreal. The hospital. The mortality. “Sorry.”

“We’re just here to talk. I am here to listen, not judge you. Tell me more. I want to know what you believe is happening.”

_What I believe. What you think makes me crazy._

“Heaven is dying.” The admittance was such a weight off his chest, even if this man thought he was insane simply saying the words cemented themselves. “They want Lucifer’s son to fix it.”

“The angels want the devil’s son to fix Heaven.” The look he received was a strange one. Maybe confused, maybe baffled. “That sounds… strange.”

“They’re desperate. They need all of the angels they can get. As many of us as they can find and… I know you believe I am crazy.”

“We don’t use that word here.”

“But it’s the truth. You believe that I’m insane. I’m not. I’ve never been more sure about it than I am now… I’ve been here for years now and you’ve tried. Time and time again you have tried to convince me I’ve lost my mind but I _haven’t._ Everything is crystal clear. It’s obvious. I don’t belong here. I have to go. Back to civilization, back to Heaven. I don’t belong here.”

“Mr. Smith-“

“My name… is _Balthazar_. I want to be released.”

“We simply cannot do that. You are a danger to yourself and others.” Balthazar touched his wrists again, the scars.

_I can’t die._

He remembered that more than anything else and it ached in him like nothing else.

“You’re right…” He lied, pressing his face into his hands. “I’m sorry. I let myself go.”

“It’s okay, Mr. Smith. Now can we start over?”

“Yes.”

It went on for another hour before he was returned to his room. He was twitchy when they gave him his meds, checking his mouth carefully for the meds that he stashed just behind his teeth at the back.

When he was left alone, he pulled back the mattress and checked the pills. Six months of daily doses. It had to be enough to stop his heart.

_‘Find my son. No matter the cost, find my son.’_

_'Can you or can you not make new angels?'_

_'What's that supposed to mean?'_

_'You lied to us. Get out of Heaven, Lucifer. Leave.’_

_'Oh, right. Just throw me to the wind. Are you kiddies, serious?'_

_'We will maintain on our own.’_

Balthazar checked the pills in his palm and breathed deeply. This would either kill him dead, or it wouldn’t.

God, he hoped he was right.

Closing his eyes, he downed the pills in one go.

The room he came to in was painted in Enochian words, a ragged looking Gabriel perched in the middle of the bed watching him.

“Gabriel.” It was like a dream, surreal and unbelievable. Gabriel. His Gabriel. It wasn’t possible. It was just another hallucination because he was insane. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory. Religious psychosis. And he- had tried to kill himself. His eyes closed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “You aren’t real.”

“It would be the easier answer. I told you I would find you when I escaped.”

“No. I’m- you aren’t real.”

When his eyes opened it was because he was no longer standing at the foot of the bed but suddenly seated across from the man. There was a look in the other’s eyes that was familiar, something he’d seen in his own countless times since the day of his psychotic break.

 _Doubt_.

“en gerra.” There was a breath of silence as the golden eyed man spoke, desperation in the tone of the one that couldn’t be real.

It wasn’t real.

Yet he could hear the underling words, the question that those two words meant.

_I’m here._

A small sound escaped him as he whispered two words that he hadn’t said since his break. Since before it, even. It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be real but it also _could_. Was it possible? Could this be real? “en ror.” The sound that came from the others was broken, soft and careful fingers coming out to touch the side of his face.

“What did it do to you?” The question was whispered and he was reminded of the impossible realism of the situation, the knowledge that everything he thought was false was true. Truly, honestly, _real_. If it was? If he was truly an angel…

“You destroyed me.” His hand came up to rest over the one touching him, “Give it back to me. I need… real. I have to know it is real.”

“I shouldn’t,” Gabriel murmured softly, touching their foreheads together and closing his eyes. “But I can so… I will.” Breathing deeply, Gabriel kissed him softly on forehead, lips barely brushing the skin.

It was enough.

Everything stopped for a single moment. The contact, the breath, the flood of the glorious heat entering his system as he was flooded with Grace, pure and rawer than he ever thought it would be. A gasp tore past his lips as he wrapped his damaged and scarred mate in a tight embrace.

 “Gabriel…” _Thank you._

 “It had to happen.” _I missed you._ “Are you okay?”

“I’m… fine.” _Better but still damaged._ “Where are we?” As he pulled away, his gaze met the Archangel’s vulnerable, broken expression. “How long…”

“I don’t know. But… We’re in a Men of Letters bunker,” Balthazar knew those places, vaguely… faintly. Even with the fresh flood of grace in his system he could barely hold onto the reality of his situation. It was real. Everything was real and… Swallowing, he touched the scar on his wrist.

“Winchesters.” Balthazar breathed out, the whispering of Heaven pounding at the back of his skull. So few angels left… he needed- what _did_ he need.

Everything he wanted was in front of him, yet somehow…

His stomach churned a bit and he rested his arms on the archangel’s shoulders, holding the gaze of the anxious looking man. “They saved you.”

“No.” Gabriel muttered, looking down, “They want to use me. My Grace. Just like-“

“ _ror_.” Balthazar kissed him softly, and Gabriel made a noise, kissing him back with more hesitation than he ever had before.

His sun was broken. When Balthazar looked at him, took in the sight, he could see clear as day just how damaged he was. They were riding on the coast of emotions from the knowledge that they were both alive. It was a fact.

Once they parted? Because that was always how it ended… he was cursed. Cursed by his damned deal. This wasn’t going to end well because it wasn’t allowed to.

“I know, en gerra. I know.” _Don’t go. I can’t do this without you._

“What happened? What did… _he_ do to you?”

“Everything that he could,” Gabriel muttered, retreating a bit. “I gave him an opening. I brought it on myself.”

“You never had to.”

“Of course I did.” Their eyes met for a moment, a silent agreement that they were both idiots. “Why will it be this time?”

“I need… to help them.”

“You owe them _nothing_.”

“I know. But I need to. I… _need to_.”

“You don’t.” _Please don’t._

“I do. I’m sorry.” _I can’t stay with you._

“And if they kill you again?”

“Then they kill me again. Mikey’s out of his gourd. I can’t be the horn anymore. Let me go, en gerra _._ ”

“No.”

“I love you, Balthazar. From this dawn to the next. But it’s time to let me go. You have to.”

“I can’t.”

“You will. It has to happen and I’m sorry, but we’re too damaged.” A hand came around his wrist, softly stroking the scars on his wrists. “You need to let me go.”

“Never.”

“Guess that goes both ways. Get out of here, Balthazar. Get out and never come back.”

“I’ll always come back.”

Gabriel smiled weakly at him, touched their foreheads together. “I love you.”

“I’ll find your grace.”

“Get away and never come back. The last of my grace- it’s gone. Do nothing stupid, Balthazar. Do you hear me?”

“I love you, do I not?” Balthazar kissed the other angel, closing his eyes and stretching his wings behind him. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“You met me?” Gabriel grinned, the emotion dead in his expression. “Goodbye, my moon.”

“Goodbye, my sun.” In a flutter of wings, Balthazar was a country away, breathing sharply at the change of environment.

.-~*~-.

“What am I doing here, angel?”

“Gabriel is going to do something stupid.”

“He is _always_ going to do something stupid. That is who he is. It is not my concern.”

“You love him.”

“I can’t keep saving him. There is nothing left to give if he does die. You are already under a binding deal, Balthazar. If he dies… I’m sorry. I can’t do anything for him. You have to believe me, if I could? I would. Sometimes you have to… accept death for what it is.”

“Kali, please.”

The goddess stared him down for a long moment and he downed another glass of the drink between them, sharp and bitter- not nearly strong enough for him to feel the effects.

“I am asking.”

“Sometimes… there isn’t an answer. Sometimes you just have to let someone go. I know your relationship, the strength and time behind it. But sooner or later you have to let it go.”

“And I have to wait.”

“You were ready to give that up, from the moment that it happened you were prepared to pay the cost. Are you regretting it?”

“No.” Sighing deeply, he stared down at the dark liquor in front of him. “I could never regret saving him.”

“There was never an easy answer for this. Never once has the answer been simple. You were doomed from the moment it began.”

“I was doomed from the moment I was created. So was he. We aren’t meant to be.”

“Maybe you are,” Kali mused, giving him a sympathetic look as she finished painting her nails a bright and bloody red. “Wait out your time. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find yourselves again there.”

“I will always wait for him.”

Then he was alone in the hollow and empty room, bottle looking emptier than it should’ve been. Feelings, emotions… they were brutal. Useless little things. With a sigh, he grabbed his blade and cloaked himself, returning to that Bunker where several out of place things rested.

“Gabe- he’d been on the run for so long... He sacrificed himself. He’s the reason Sam and I got out _._ ”

Balthazar only wished he was surprised.

“We owe him everything _._ ”

They had no idea. Without a word, he disappeared in an angry flutter of wings.

_Let the world burn._

**Author's Note:**

> Personally still really bitter about Exodus but I've been sort of making a major point of keeping these fics in compliance with canon which unfortunately means that Exodus happened. I think this one WILL be the last story to go with this series unless season 14 has a heart and drops another Gabriel return on us. As it stands, this series has never been about things working out, it's been about the angst.
> 
> In my Twitter account [@IAmFayTheGay](https://twitter.com/iamfaythegay) you can follow for updates on all things to do with my writing and all that. It’s focused on that so you can find the information there. 
> 
> Also, I have been dabbling music edits for SPN which exist under [The Archangel of Life](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnPTsdSg6xfJDFhEvzMJ5qA) on YouTube 
> 
> If you have ever heard of the Discord app then awesome, if you haven't, then you should get it. Technically it's directed at gamers but I created a community on it for SPN fans. The permanent invite is [HERE](https://discord.gg/5UnfnzU). Hope to see you there!


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